Careening like a pinball.

Except it's not so funny.
I am deep in the throes of MEH, the kind of depression where I sort of don't care about much of anything.

I have to fly to Santa Rosa in two days and don't care.
Well, okay, I care a little. Because I like the rabbi and it's his last year before retirement and I would like to do well.

I did religious school tefilah on Sunday and it went okay, but my heart wasn't really in it.
I know how to move and act and be so it looks like my heart is fine, but when it was done all I wanted to do was get out of there and go home.

And today, this. I hope my counselor isn't too pissed. Because on the surface, it IS funny as hell.
But underneath, it is a fucking shitshow in my head these days. And maybe a little in my heart, too.

Who AM I anymore? What am I here for?
No idea.
When I'd realized my mistake -- the counselor emailed me and I didn't see it until ten minutes before the end of our time slot -- I felt deeply down for a few moments, then, well -- kind of empty and MEH. I sat and hugged one of the cats for a few minutes, which helped. Eventually I got back to getting something done. And now, all I want to do is lie down and zone out.

Is this normal? I realize that for me, it has been normal my whole life, but I've had to mask all that for so long and PRODUCE -- work, repairs, music, teaching, whatever -- that I haven't always had the option to lie down, so I just sat there and kept trying to look interested.

And right now, I realize why and how I am so fucking exhausted.

A big part of me wants to relearn how to love me as I am, which is hard because I'm realizing how broken and wiped out I feel.
At the same time, I just want to curl up in the fetal position and stop working so damned hard inside.

ADHD and depression go together very often. So it wouldn't shock me to know I have both in spades.

I'd like to wake up in a world where my needs are met, I'm thanked for all the years I contributed to the world, and now I just get to relax and not stress about everything that's wrong with me and with the world. Not realistic, but it's what I want.

I am typing this while I have to get ready for a gig. Ugh.

My brain is a pinball, careening off multiple emotions and feeling opposing things every half hour or less. I'd like to wake up in a world where that's okay and I won't be penalized or shamed for it.