Ever know something before you know that you know it?

I wrote this during my bout with Long Covid, when I was still wrestling with intense symptoms but desperately needed to express my feelings and worries at the time.
Returning to it now, as I practice for my Shabbaton next weekend, feels like both a relief and a realization of where I find myself.
I want to go and do well, of course -- I always want to do well! -- but I am also really, really exhausted by all that I've been carrying. AND it's okay to own that.
It HAS to be okay to say when you're tired, in public, without it becoming an indictment of yourself. That is where I am today.
I am tired, exhausted, by everything. By all the everythings that I have carried since at LEAST ten years ago, since twenty years ago, maybe since childhood. All the everythings that now point to where and who I am today, and how I arrived there not terribly supported.
The realization at just how much of this I've carried alone.
The aloneness has been exhausting, and so has its realization.

I am blessed to live in a time when I can say what I really feel, who I really am, without too many repercussions.
But it took an awfully long time to get here.