Since getting the news of my ADHD — a total mindfuck, honestly — I’ve had to come to terms with all the ways I’ve been ignored and invalidated, bullied and abandoned, since childhood.
It has been hard, draining and painful.
It has explained a lot, including my struggles with attachment to people and community, my propensity to leave uncomfortable situations rather than stay and work towards resolution (though to be fair, I’ve left some big situations not entirely by choice, or that were unresolvable).
A great deal of my loneliness is connected to being neuro-spicy and being surrounded by folks who didn’t understand it, or me.
So I’ve spent a lot of time this fall and winter feeling a lot of loss and grief, over what was and what might have been. And every time I think I’ve gained perspective, another long-buried memory pops up to remind me the well is deep and that I have a ways to go in my healing process.
Some days are easier. I have things to do and the weather let’s me get outside and those things help.
Other days are harder, as I learn how to live with unmasked ADHD and the rapidfire mood swings that seem to come with it, and I feel by turns anxious or depressed or scattered and don’t know what to do with myself. Today is one of those days.
Still, Sweetie woke me this morning with a snuggle and the coffee tasted just right, and I’m so grateful for every moment of reassurance and love during this very crazy time.
No comments:
Post a Comment