ADHD and Me. Pondering.

Pondering ADHD tonight.

In no particular order:

1. Women are generally getting diagnosed later than men. Girls are better at masking disagreeable behaviors because they’re conditioned to be “good” and “obedient,” while boys are generally give a bit more leeway (and in some circles, even applauded as being the right kind of male when they occasionally overstep their behavioral bounds). Also, ADHD plays out a bit differently in women, perhaps from a combination of nature and nurture (though the jury is still out on that).

2. ADHD is not conducive to capitalism, or to the typical expectations of capitalist employers. People with ADHD struggle with executive function (getting tasks done simply because they have to), hyperfocus (going down a rabbit hole on something they’re fascinated by), and extreme rejection sensitivity (where even the slightest or most constructive criticism send the psyche into internal paroxysms of pain and fear), and impulse control (like speaking truth to a bad boss, for example). As one might imagine, someone who has spent a lifetime struggling against their true neurological nature is going to have a harder time in a typical workplace, and will struggle with holding down a job, feeling comfortable around new people and being exposed to judgment-filled situations (like worker reviews, for instance).

3. Is ADHD a superpower? Yes. People with ADHD can be among the most creative and innovative people around, finding novel solutions and understanding the flow of a project long before anyone else in their circle. Give the space to dream and create, people with ADHD can be a valuable asset to a team, even if they often prefer to work on a project by themselves. Many creative artists in all disciplines have ADHD, which comes as no surprise to me.

4. Is ADHD a disorder or disability? Yes. In a capitalist society where it’s everyone for themselves, absolutely. I wasn’t even diagnosed properly until I was 60, and the initial response from my doctor was asking if I wanted to try medication. As if that would somehow “fix” me and make me into someone less impulsive and more agreeable, perhaps even more pliable in a workplace situation. That this was the very first thing discussed made me wary, and in hindsight I’m glad it did. While I do have depression and anxiety, these are symptoms of living with a neurodivergent brain that has long been misunderstood and unwelcome in a capitalistic workplace. It is still, apparently, my job to fit in, rather than an employer’s job to work with me where I am. And this appears to be more true for women with ADHD, at least for now.

5. I want to live in a world where I wouldn’t have had to wait so long to be diagnosed. Where my differences would have been seen as simply another set of neurological gifts in the world, and where I would have been guided into adulthood with understanding and patience, rather than left to my own devices by parents and teachers who didn’t understand or really appreciate my way of moving through the world. But we don’t yet live in that world, and I doubt we’ll get there before I die.

6. So what do I do now, at my age, with a host of physical and mental hurdles that make holding down a full-time job impossible? I file for disability, and live as simply as possible while I wait for a decision. I admit that I am fortunate to be in a partnered relationship and in a house, rather than sleeping under a tarp. But the fact remains that if the understanding and supports had been in place when I was young, some things might have turned out differently for me, at least in terms of my lifelong mental health and stability. It’s ludicrous for anyone to expect me to reinvent myself now, at my age, when most of my life is behind me. So in my case, undiagnosed and unsupported neurodivergence does qualify as a hurdle and a disorder, for which I ought to have some support now.

7. If I cannot be approved for disability, I suppose petty theft remains a viable option.