Making space.

I put two of my three guitars up for sale today.

I’ll keep my workhorse, my favorite of the three, in case I am ever able to play for pleasure again.

But once I listed the other two and started getting nibbles — they’re nice guitars — I didn’t feel as sad as I thought I might. One is going to a colleague and friend and we couldn’t be happier. The other is being held for a fellow Alvarez enthusiast who wants to pick it up while visiting the state in a few weeks.

I did a short video as a should file for the first guitar, and just playing chords for five minutes hurt like hell. So I know this is the right thing to do.

Still, I know that it’s surprising to many of my professional colleagues, some of who, had seen me play last summer. The pain in my hands didn’t really begin in earnest until October, so this has been surprising to everyone outside my closest circle.

I’ve noticed that my left hand is beginning to have a little more pain, when I’m drumming.

So I need to dial it back and take my time. NSAIDs, varied periods of rest and careful activity, CBD balm alternated with prescription Diclofenac cream. 

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I went to teach religious school on Sunday, without a guitar. The kids didn’t want to be there, I didn’t really want to be there, and I felt like such an impostor as I acted and sang my way through prayers. Getting them to sing was a bit like pulling teeth, and exhausting. I only see these kids once a month and I have two more sessions with them.

Meanwhile I need to meet with the rabbi so we can discuss how I’ll finish out the year of Friday night services without being able to play guitar. I think I’m going to let him know that, if there’s no real improvement over the spring and summer, he needs to hire someone else for next year if he still wants guitar. I’m hoping he’ll take me up on it, because as much as I’ve liked having even a small income each month, I’ve gotten to a point where I feel sort of done with the whole Jewish music career thing. I can’t play, I can’t compose easily without guitar, and to be honest I feel like some of the momentum that was destroyed by the pandemic is gone forever and will never be recovered at this point. I simply lack the means and the connections to keep hustling for serious gigs, without putting myself into greater fatigue and burnout.

I feel like I’ve done pretty much all I can do in this field. And after twenty-five years, I’ve had a good run, especially for someone from so far outside the bubble. So if injury is forcing me to stop now, it’s not completely horrible. And it helps to make space for whatever I’m meant to do next.