Random thought dump.

If you're new here, Hi.

I'm Beth.

I'm 61, and I'm dealing with a host of medical and emotional issues all at once.

I have Crohn's, IBS, arthritis, tendinitis in my hands and wrists, and was newly diagnosed with ADHD last fall. During the lockdown I had Long Covid for almost two years. (I've mostly come out of that, though Long Covid symptoms can return when I get a cold.) Because of all this, I am unable to work even half-time in a workplace that will accommodate all my stuff, so I've filed for disability and I'm waiting for a response.

Meanwhile, I've just had to walk away from a music career that had me writing songs and touring all over the country. Today my hands are in so much pain that I can no longer play guitar for even five minutes; and the only treatment for tendinitis is a prolonged break from guitar playing. At my age, I am already on the downward slope of my career arc, so I've made the decision to sell most of my guitars and focus on things I can still do.

I am also struggling with my sense of community and where I might belong. A highly mobile childhood and parents who were ill-equipped to live in community (or teach their kids how to), plus all that undiagnosed ADHD, have made it difficult for me to know where and how to belong. This has been especially true as all these medical issues have combined to slow me down.

I am blessed with a loving partner and family who love me as I am.

My circle of friends has changed over time, and right now I am focusing on how to stabilize my circle of local friends, as touring is probably going to come to an end.

I can still ride my bicycle, and I take public transit to most places that are too far to ride.
I lack culinary discipline and the ADHD makes cooking challenging, but I can make a few things that are reasonably nutritious.

I live with two beautiful cats who are goofy and loving, and they definitely make my life more hilarious.

And I am blessed with a roof over my head, food on the table and clothes on my back.

And yet.

Living with the short-term onslaught of So Many Things in such a short time has been difficult.

As with so many of us, I am still processing all the ways that the Covid pandemic has irrevocably changed my life. I think we will all be dealing with the pandemic's effects for years to come. I feel sometimes like the generation of Hebrews who had to wander the desert and die off, because they would never be equipped to live as fully free people after arriving in Canaan.

I struggle with money management, owing to lots of reasons including my parents' examples, being in student debt for most of my adult life, and ADHD which makes me impulsive and constantly seeking a dopamine hit. So when I have too much money, I spend more of it. When I have less, I can manage it better.

I suppose there's all sorts of things I can do to better manage my life, but that requires energy and self-examination that right now just feels incriminating or hopeless or painful, and at this point I'd rather just figure out how to get from one hour to the next.

I'm on state Medicaid, which here in Oregon is not known for its user-friendliness or a wide array of resources. One more way in which we;'re still dealing with the effects of the pandemic: understaffing, a slate of retirements in the medical field, and not a lot of goodwill for those who are chronically ill. I have actually witnessed people saying that the elderly and infirm are "extra" people that we don't need to prop up, and that we should just let them all die and reserve those resources for younger, more "deserving" folks.
Our society has been full of those messages for a long time, but to hear anyone say it so blatantly, out loud, is enough to send me scurrying back home to hide under the covers.

The fact is that I am not the younger, vibrant person I used to be. And my changes came fast and furious during the pandemic. Frankly, I'm exhausted and all I want to do is stay home.

Yes, I'm in counseling. It helps but is not a fix-all by any means.

Yes, I'm on medication, for a misdiagnosis of depression that came when I began perimenopause over ten years ago. I'm now menopausal and in the process of weaning myself off those meds, and trying to find a new doctor who will help me sort everything out. I take meds for several different things and some days it is just hard to manage all that myself.

And I'm laying it all out here in this blog post because I honestly don't have much else I can do just now. I feel like everything is imploding and falling down, and at some point I guess I'm waiting for the smnoke to clear so I can have a sense of what to do next.