When everything happens all at once, or close to it.

It has been difficult to live with everything lately.
I've had Crohn's nearly my whole life, and it's mostly under control with medication.

I've had IBS probably since my thirties, though not diagnosed till my fifties. I could control that with some pretty radical changes in diet, but since food prep and I don't get along too well (see ADHD, below) I've decided that, as long as it's not killing me, I can live with more bathroom trips.

I was diagnosed with sleep apnea last summer, but it took forever to get set up with a machine. I have one now and I can't tell if it's helping a whole lot (because of the ADHD, below).

I got the diagnosis of ADHD in October. On October 7, to be exact. Since then, my unmasking has been insane and my understanding of a great deal of my life in the past has become clearer, and frankly kind of depressing in some ways. Conversely, I can understand that some of my more "foolhardy" life choices (like learning to live on less money so I wouldn't piss it all away and so I wouldn't have to work forty-plus hours a week at a well-paying job I wouldn't love) might be seen in hindsight as steps towards a kind of self-preservation, a way of knowing that I was different and that typical life choices (aka "The American Dream") might not work so well for me.
Unmasking continues to be challenging.

Around the same time -- maybe a few weeks later -- I began to have serious pain in my hands that was exacerbated when I played guitar. By my last gig of 2023, a three-day Shabbaton in California, I was in so much pain that getting through a concert required gritting my teeth and slathering CBD balm on my hands afterwards. By late January, I'd been diagnosed with a combination or already-existing Crohn's arthritis, mild osteoarthritis and [newly diagnosed] severe tendinitis. I was forced to stop playing guitar and give my hands some rest for at least three to four months. At that time I'd be reassessed to see if there was any improvement. However, I found that drumming didn't hurt so I continued to playa little bit each day at home. Now, my hands hurt every day whether I drum or not, and typing for more than about ten minutes also causes pain.
But it was clear to me that my days of touring as a Jewish singer-songwriter and high octane daily guitar plkaying would probably be done. I cried for about ten minutes on the bus ride home from the doctor's realizing this. Then I went home, looked around my studio and began letting go of my career. I swear it was that quick.

Which leads me back to ADHD and unmasking. The truth is that I was already feeling like I had gone as far as I could go in my genre with the resources and connections I possessed, and that five albums and twenty-five years of hustling for gigs was a good run. So I had to admit to myself that some of what was sloughing off was some kind of burnout from the whole Jewish music thing, and burnout about my marginal place at the edges of the Jewish communal bubble. I'll write more about this in particular later. But it's pretty damned big.

So tonight, I found myself stuck. I had run some errands, taken care of a few tasks and come home again on the last sunny, warm day before the rains return. And I found myself wondering how to deal with my life in that moment. Unmasking has meant that I'm beginning to understand that I look for dopamine hits, because my brain doesn't make dopamine regularly the way neurotypical brains do. Dopamine jonesing can result in overshopping, eating too much sugar and/or salt, and avoiding things I "need" to do (like laundry, for example) in favor of things that will bring me another hit of dopamine (like playing musical instruments).

But right now, playing instruments, even drumming too much, hurts my hands, and I cannot enjoy recreational reading the way regular brains do. I'm used to doing, not being. Being is painful; I cannot sit still long enough for it to be beneficial (except when I'm asleep). But even sleeping has gotten harder wth the addition of the CPAP machine about a month ago. I can't tell if I'm getting enough good sleep. I toss and turn a lot, and I wake up early to use the toilet, and it takes me awhile to actually fall asleep, and all of this may be about wrestling with ADHD.

Right now, I cannot do the things I know how to do enough to earn a living at them, or really to find a job at all. I cannot find an employer who will accommodate all my stuff in the workplace -- the many bathroom breaks, the need to nap or just rest my eyes every afternoon, the challenges with impulse control and executive function -- and becaues of all this I'm working with a lawyer to file a claim for disability. Because at 61, no one is going to pay for me to be retrained in a new career, either.

There's more to this, but typing hurts, so I will stop here. Stay tuned.

Next up: Losing My Religion