And while we’re at it…

I think I just hit upon why “somatic” or body-based trauma healing feels slightly suspect to me at this moment in my life. 

First, it’s always offered by younger women who, despite their prior health challenges, have somehow managed to arrive at a place where they glow with vibrancy, are put together nicely, and are financially secure. Then, they have the nerve to tell me that EVERY woman’s body can heal and get to the same healthy glow, if you sign up for their exclusive coaching program. 

And then, they treat my stuff as if I have all the time in the world.

Let me understand: you want me to, when a painful memory triggers a difficult emotional response, to focus on where the trauma resides in my body? And then you want me to figure out how old I was when the initial trauma happened and then somehow “Re-parent” myself at that age in all the ways my parents failed to parent me originally? And you are sure that I’ll be able to heal myself in this manner? 

Really?

I have several chronic conditions, two of which have caused me to spend at least a quarter of my entire waking life in the bathroom. 

I have another which is forcing me to stop working at everything I know how to do.

I have another which came on during the Covid lockdown, rendered me completely disabled for two years during lockdown, and which resurfaces a little bit every time I catch a cold.

I have yet another which has required me to start sleeping with a CPAP machine every night.

And the combination of all of them forced me to file for disability at 60, an age when most my friends are still fully active and productive.

And you want me to FOCUS on my BODY? Because apparently I’m not doing that enough already?

You know what?

With a very recent diagnosis of ADHD and six months of unmasking, my head’s not a lot better. But it’s still more interesting than the rest of my body. So yeah, I’m gonna chase some dopamine and be more honest and hang out in my head for awhile. 

Fuck you AND your healthy, expensive glow.